Napoleon Dynamite at Hogwarts
by roxygr1223
Summary: What if Harry's two best friends were Napoleon Dynamite and Hermione Granger? Story line of the Sorceror's Stone...pretty funny so please review, tell me if I should continue story.
1. Chappie 1

Ok this is a fanfiction about what would happen if Harry's two best friends were Napoleon Dynamite and Hermione Granger. This story is told more from Napoleon's point of view rather than from Harry's. I am going to try to make it as funny as I possibly can, but if anyone has good ideas that they want in the story, just let me know. Oh yea and this is about the Sorcerer's Stone.

Napoleon woke up on a sunny Saturday morning in the middle of July all ready to get his Dequan's Dance groove on when all of a sudden the family bird Errol swooped into his room and hit Napoleon right in the face. Letters were thrown all around Napoleon's room and Napoleon himself was heaved onto the flor as Errol flapped around.

"Ugh, friggin idiot" Napoleon said as he reached for his glasses and stood up. He looked through the letters and noticed one that was addressed to him.

"Sweet, this could be my reply from the Warriors of America club, I hope I am named Head Warrior." He opened the letter and read that he was accepted to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" he said as he went downstairs to get some breakfast.

Napoleon came from a large family, who were all very poor. However, his two eldest brothers, Kip and Rico, were door to door salesmen of enchanted muggle artifacts. His other brothers, Fred, George and Percy all went to Hogwarts.

"Hey ma, whats for breakfast, I am flippin starving" Napoleon said as he took a seat at the table. His mother came over and gave him some eggs.

"Oh wonderful, you got your Hogwarts letter, we are going to Diagon Alley today to buy supplies" said Napoleon's mother

"Sweet, I need to stop buy Medievial Warriors Thrift shop and see if they have Dequan's Dance Grooves number 2." he replied.

After breakfast Napoleon went back up to his room to change for Diagon Alley. He grabbed his acid washed jeans and Endurance t-shirt. There was only one problem, his moonboots were missing.

"GOSH, why is it always my stuff that is missing?" He said. He walked downstairs and asked his mother where the boots were at. She told him that Kip took the boots to sell, but he could still catch him outside. Napoleon grabbed a grapefruit and headed for the door. Luckily Kip was still there.

"STOP trying to ruin my life, Kip, give me my boots!" Napoleon then heaved the grapefruit at Kip and tackled him to the ground.

"Geez, WHAT??" Kip said as Napoleon had him in a chokehold. "We were going to sell your boots for 20 Galleons. But if you insist here are your boots" Kip said.

Napoleon slapped his brother once more before running inside with his moonboots. They travelled by floo powder to get to Diagon Alley. After buying all of their supplies, Napoleon went to the Medievial Warriors Thrift Shop to look for any cool things he could bring to Hogwarts. After looking around for about fifteen minutes he decided to ask the clerk if they had Dequans Dance Grooves number 2.

"Hey do youse guyses have Dequans two?" he asked. The large woman behind the counter looked at him with a funny look and laughed.

"Are you for real boy? Supposing I did know what the heck you just said, do you think that I would even help you try to find it, so no, we don't" she replied.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Napoleon said as he walked out of the store. He walked across the street and saw his mom, she was already to go home, the Hogwarts Express left in a few days, they had to get ready for school.

Should I continue, is this funny enough??? I am not sure please review and let me know


	2. Chappie 2

Napoleon, his mother, and his brothers rushed to Platform 9 and 3/4 to catch the Hogwarts Express.

"Hurry, kids, the train leaves at exactly 11:00am, we can't miss it!" said his mother as the pulled into King's Cross Station at 10:45 am. Upon reaching the platform, Napoleon saw a kid he didn't recognize. They went threw the platform together and sat together on the train.

"Are you like a new kid or something to the Wizard world" he asked the black hair and green-eyed kid.

"Actually, I am Harry Potter" the boy returned.

"GOOOOOSSSSHHHH!! Be careful at Hogwarts, there is a buttload of gangs looking for guys that are good with a bowstaff. I, myself, am pretty good with one, then again I spend my summers in Alaska hunting wolverines with a friggin twelve gage."

"What are you doing in my Cabin?" Harry returned

"Sitting, what do you think gosh" Napoleon said. Then before Harry could retaliate, a fat lady walked by with some candy and stuff. "Something from the Trolley dears."

"Do you have any Chapstick on there." Napoleon asked.

"No, I am sorry dear, only snacks and quesydellas." She pulled out a huge sloppy plate full of quesadillas.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but my lips hurt real bad. Actually, I am poor, so I can't get anything" Napoleon said. Harry, since he was such a cool kid with a pocket of Galleons said "We'll take the lot"

"Sweet," said Napoleon. After about an hour of eatting messy food and candy, Harry began to open some Bertie Bott beans.

"Ugh, Gross, my brother Kip got a boogie flavored one once, those things are like ancient evil warlords that like kill your mouth." Napoleon said. Harry of course sit out what was in his mouth. "Are you going to eat your color changing tots?" Napoleon asked.

"uhmmm, no" said Harry.

"Can I have them then?"

"Whatever."

"Hey, wanna see a magic trick that my brother Kip taught me, it involves turning my minillama yellow" Napoleon said

"Uhmm, whatever" said Harry. Napoleon turned on his portable CD player to his favorite Jameriqui tune and started to bust a move for about ten mintues and then said YELLOW LLAMA and pointed his wand at the minillama, nothing happened. "DANG" he said. Just then a girl walked into the cabin and asked the boys if they saw a toad.

"What? No flippin way, toads are gorss ugh!" Napoleon said.


	3. Chappie 3

When the train stopped they all stepped off and were prepared to start their Hogwarts life. When Napoleon stepped over to the large men yelling "firs' years over here, firs' years this way" he was totally infatuated.

"Dang, you are like a flippin sweet ogre," he said.

"Yea, well thanks, but I am half giant son, firs' years firs years, oh hey there Harry," Hagrid said

"Finally someone minorly educated! I am so glad to see you Hagrid!" replied Harry.

They boarded the boats in order to reach the castle.

"Gosh! Its like Nessie. Have you guyses heard bout what happened a few weeks ago, well Japanese scientists tried to blow Nessie out of Lake Lockness, but she was safe because of people that want harmony with our underwater ally and local Scottish wizards protection spells." Napoleon said.

"Napoleon, what the hell are you talking about?" Harry asked.

"The flippin seadragon over there gosh, friggin IDIOT!!" Napoleon replied.

"Whatever Napoleon" said Harry. They walked up to the castle and greeted one of their new proffessors.

"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, there are four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflfepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. You will be awarded points for good behavior, with rule breaking, you will loose points. Any questions?" Mcgonagall asked. Napoleon raised his hand.

"Ugh, yea is there like any warrior ninja clubs here?" He asked.

"No" Mcgonagall said flattly. "Anyway, lets go through these doors to proceed with the sorting."

They walked into the Great Hall, which all of them realized was truly great. While all the other children gazed around the room amazed and speechless Napoleon had his screwed up face on and merely said "Dang, this place is huger than my flippin house Gosh!"

As names were called for the sorting, Napoleon just stood there with a stupid look on his face and his mouth slightly open. When his name was called, he proceeded to the hat. There was a little trouble getting it on his melon sized head because of the madcap hair he had. Finally it was on, with much struggle.

"Hmmmm" said the hat" "Interesting, you seem to be one screwed up little kid, and you think about ninjas a lot, ninjas are brave, so ummm, oh fuck it, Gryffindor!."

"Sweet" Napoleon ran with his arms at his side the the Gryffindor table. AFter all the names were called, The headmaster Albus Dumbledore said a few announcements and then piles of food appeared.

"Wow, FOOD!" said Napoleon. Out of no where Fred decided to fling a huge piece of meat at Napoleon's face. Ugh! was all that Napoleon could say. Just then, George decided to dump his butterbeer all over Napoleon's head.

"Friggin idiots, what the flip did you do that for gosh!" Napoleon said. All the twins could do was laugh along with most of the Great Hall.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Hope u like it please review, new chappie to be up fairly soon....REVIEW DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. Chappie 4

After the feast, they were lead by the house prefects to the Gryffindor common room. On the way, they passed numerous suit of armor in the hallway. After passing a few, Napoleon just stopped and starred at the one armor suit.

"Gosh, Harry, check out that sweet medevial warrior armor suit, it even has a warrior sword! I had about a finity of them before my brother Rico sold them to some ugly goblin or something, I flippin HATE HIM!" Napoleon said. Harry just stood there and looked at Napleon with awe.

"Yea sure. Hey, were you dropped on your head as a baby or something?" Harry asked.

"What?? I don't think so," Napoleon said. "Lets go, I am really depressed just looking at the armor." Hermione ran into to them in the common room when they arrived.

"Hello again, did you enjoy supper, this place is amazing, I read all about it in Hogwarts, A History," Hermione told them. Napoleon said nothing, he just stood there with the dumbest look on his face. His mouth was slightly open as he gazed for several moments before he finally spoke.

"I like your hair, it's real big" he said to Hermione.

"Excuse him Hermione, he is really messed up in the head." Harry told her while Napoleon just continued staring at Hermione aimlessly.

"Yea, well, thanks Napoleon for the compliment, I guess. I got to go to bed now, good evening to you both." Hermione said to them.

"k, bye" Napoleon said. Harry and Napoleon continued up to their dorm room to not only prepare for the next day, but all of the boys were also anxious to decorate their bed area. After meeting their other dormmates, Dean, Neville, and Seamus, Napoleon got out his posters he wanted to hang up by his bed. While the other boys hung up posters of their favorite Quidditch teams and magical family moving images, Napoleon hung up his random Warrior poster on the left of his bed and his amazing Jem poster on the other side.

"What is that random girl with the freaky pink hair and crazy make-up doing above your bed?" Dean asked. The other boys were wondering the same thing, but did not want to mess with Napoleon's stupid remarks.

"What? This is flippin the hottest babe ever, Jem!! She has a rockin band, Jem and the Holograms, but the Misfits are bad, oh I flippin hate Pizzaz almost as much as Rico. Come on, you never heard of Jem, she is so friggin hooooottttttt!" Napoleon said, almost amazed at the fact that they had no idea who Jem was, who his idol, his dream, his big haired TV-dream girlfriend was. "This is my Jem doll, I talk to her when I am really lonely or whenever I get back from warrrior training, thats when I feel totally manely. Here see her gloryness for yourself." He pulled out the doll.

"Yea, I guess she is ok, can I touch the doll's hair? It is so pink!" Neville asked.

"No one touches Jem, you might get her dirty, gosh, she is for my hand only, she told me only I could touch her." Napoleon said.

"Wow, I can't take this," Harry said. "I am going to bed." The other boys were scared too so they quickly followed, even Neville, although he did like the pink haired dollie.

"k, bye" Napoleon said and gently stroked Jem's hair as he slowly drifted to sleep and to manhood.


	5. Chappie 5

The next morning, they had Transfiguration class, but there was a slight problem, Napoleon lost his chapstick.

"Gosh, I don't feel good! I need my chapstick!" Napoleon said.

"Ok Napoleon, we are really late, we really need to get to class! Forget the chapstick man!" Harry said.

"But my lips hurt real bad" Napoleon snapped. "Whatever, I guess I will live, but it is gonna be tough."

They hurried to class hoping that Professor Mcgonagall had not started the lesson. Napoleon saw a cat on the teacher's desk and approached it with one of the tots that he had saved from his breakfast.

"Kitty, eat the friggin tot!!" Napoleon yelled. The class stared in awe at Napoleon's strange behavior. "Eat the Fuooood!!" Suddenly the cat turned into Professor Mcgongall. "Sweet! That was incredible, amazing, astounishing..."

"Thank you for that assessment Mr. Dynamite, please you and Mr Potter may take your seats now." replied Professor Mcgonagall.

".....mind-blowing, flippin sweet, unbelieveable...." Napoleon continued.

"Ok, tot-boy thats enough, lets go sit down" Harry said as Napoleon continued for another ten minutes until the professor finally put a silencing charm on him. When Transfiguration class was over, they proceeded to their Potions class with Snape.

"I am Professor Snape and I will not tolerate lack of preparation and hard studying in my class!"

"Geez, this guy has like the greasiest hair I have even seen!" Napoleon said, loud enough for Snape to easily hear.

"Maybe our first potion we shall test on Mr. Dynamite" Snape said. He then walked over to Napoleon with a small cauldron filled with some gooey ugly purple goo and poured it on Napoleon's head.

"Ugh, what the flip is this? It is gooier than my mother's queesydallas dip!!" Napoleon yelled.

"Well, this potion does nothing really, it is just to show the class that anything can fall on their heads at any time and you were the guini pig on this example." Snape said.

"Gosh, I will have to shower for like a finity years to get all this out!" Napoleon yelled back.

After the horrible potions expierience, Napoleon was forced to attend his first Flying class covered in goo. When Madam Hooch told them the directions and to say "Up" to the broom, the class tried to obtain their brooms on command. Harry and a few others got it on the first try and suprisingly Hermione was unsuccessful.

"Up! Up!! UP!!! Flippin IDIOT BROOM UP!!!" Napoleon screamed. As if the broom heard him, it came up and hit him in the face, but it did not return to the ground. The broom got stuck to Napoleon's sticky face and it seemed the potion made everything that came in contact with his body in the next day stick to him and not come off. Therefore, he had to walk around all day with a broom stuck to his head, which impared his vision and caused him to walk into walls accidentally.

"Ugh, this flippin stinks so bad! I can't see with this giant broom stuck in my face and a finity papers stuck to my body, how the flip can I sleep and how am I going to avoid damaging Jem's beautiful hair? UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Napoleon yelled.

"You are so wierd and you deserve everything you get wierdo!" Harry said.

That night, Napoleon had one of the roughest nights ever, except for the time his brothers sold his bed and replaced it with dead fish, that was probably worse. But still, the night he had stunk pretty flippin bad.


	6. Chapter 6

SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG….

The next morning Napoleon woke up and, although no longer covered in goo, still felt like a decoded piece of crap.

"Dang, Harry, why does all the killer stuff happen to you. You are like so awesome and stuff. First you were like almost killed by the Dark guy and now you are like a Seeker on the Quidditch Team. The best thing that happened to me was when I met my woman, you know she is a model now," Napoleon said.

"Yea, that's great, screw boy," said Harry, who obviously could care less.

"Well, I hope you don't totally suck out there," replied Napoleon. Just then, Hermione came out of no where. "Ahh, its that woman again." Said Napoleon.

"Hello to you to, frizzy" she said. "Don't worry Harry, your dad was a seeker too, you will be great out there," They started going back to the dormitory when all of a sudden the staircase changed floors leading them to the forbidden third floor.

"At least I don't stalk him like you do, gosh! Oh, WHAT? The staircases are so demonic here, like evil ogres, ughhhhhh" Napoleon retorted. "No flippin way, that cat is back again, I gave him some old food last night so he would get away, his feathers got all over my sticky body, GROSS!"

"Genius, cats don't have feathers," Harry said. "whatever, lets run, but Napoleon, you can stay here."

Napoleon gave a really stupid face and decided to join the other two and ran like an idiot with his arms by his side. They ran into a locked room, which of course, Hermione used Alohamora on.

"Where do you learn this stuff? Yea, I get my skills from the 1983 version of Idaho: A guide to Skills?" asked Napoleon.

"Standard Book of Spells chapter seven! Nice resource though, uhmmm yea," she replied. On the other side of the door was a crazy big three headed dog.

"That thing is as big as my mom!" Napoleon said. All three screamed and ran away. The entire way back to the dorm while the other two spoke logically about the dog they had found, Napoleon tried various walking-judo moves to show how he could have taken down the giant dog.

"That was close, what is that thing doing in a school?" Harry asked Hermione.

"No idea, but I intend to find out," she replied.

"…..and yea, this one I learned from Rex Quon Do, HIGHHHH YAAAA," again, Napoleon did some odd movements he believed was karate. "This is one of my own, I call it Tetherball Teether…WHAAAA YAAA," Napoleon tried to do a flying spin kick, but unfortunately fell on his face. "Yea, I could have so taken him down with that one, but this is even better, all you got to do, well really its totally hard…."

Harry cut him off before he continued, "When you fell did you hit your head just now?"

"No"

"That's too bad," said Harry. They dropped Hermione off at the girl's dormitory that evening and had a discussion in their own dormitory that night.

"So, that girl is nice, she got nice bangs," Napoleon said.

"Since your brain is limited, I will have to think about the dog incident myself. You know what Napoleon, sometimes I wonder why the hell I sat with you on the train," Harry said.

"I guess cause of my sweet skills."

"That had to be it," said Harry with sarcasm only an intelligent person could pick up on.

The next morning, Hermione had a chat with Napoleon.

"So, yea, I cant talk to you long for I may loose brain cells, where is Harry?" she asked.

"Talking to Oliver Wood about Quidditch. Yea, I would have been on the team I bet if I had not injured my arm over the summer, I was hunting wolverines and one tackled me. I had to perform this crazy hard spell to get him off me, but yea, so I cant join the team." Napoleon quickly shoved about six tots in his mouth at once.

"Ok, number one, you don't know the first thing about spells, and second, you are weird," she replied. Hermione rose from her seat and left Napoleon with another odd look on his face.

After applying a ton of chapstick to his lips, all he said was "Yea, her bangs are really sweet, but no bangs are as hot as Jem's bangs."


	7. Chapter 7

After a much sleepless night, because of the constant thoughts of the giant dog as well as the constant rambles of Napoleon, Harry rose from bed to meet with Oliver Wood about the rules of Quidditch.

"Where the flip are you going? Your gonna miss the egg quesydellas in the great hall!" Napoleon yelled.

Harry stood and starred at the bed where Napoleon was sitting. A few seconds of silence was ended when Seamus sat up in bed and threw a shoe at Napoleon's already screwed up face. "Do you ever shut the heck up?" Seamus asked. Napoleon could not answer for just as the shoe hit him, he flailed to the side, glasses askew and hit his head on the bedside table. All Napoleon managed to say was "ughh".

"Hey thanks man, I will see you later," said Harry. The other boys in the room all fell back to sleep, with they all so deserved.

The next day, the trio had charms bright and early with Proffesor Flitwick. Napoleon's face was complete with a large bump on his forehead as well as crooked glasses on his face.

"One of a wizard's most rudimental skill is levitation or the ability to make objects fly. Do you all have your boondoggle keychains? Good. Dont forget our "Swish and Flick". Oh and annunciate! Wingardium Leviosa. Off you go then!" Flitwick told them.

Of course, Hermione was able to levitate her bright pink keychain with ease, where as Napoleon was fascinated by the green and blue colors that made up his keychain. "Gosh, why doesnt that little guy let us make our own keychains, I made some sweet ones in camp a few years ago, yea I won like an ifinity awards"

"We are supposed to be levitating them, not saying how good we are at making them genius!" Hermione told him.

Napoleon tried to make his fly by yelling "Fly" over and over. Professor Flitwick came over to see where all of the yelling was coming from.

"Mr. Dynamite, the charm is Wingardium Leviosa, not FLY!" Flitwick stated. "Now, students, this is the perfect example of a person with very little in their mind, and therefore, they can be put under a wingardium leviosa charm." Flitwick pointed his wand at Napoleon and made him soar to the ceiling.

"What are you doing! Get me down!" Napoleon yelled. The charm was obviously placed on him because not even Flitwick could stand his stupidity in the room and this was a form of G rated torchure as all the children laughed. That evening was rather hard for Napoleon as he spent it in the charms classroom on the ceiling.

"Dang, this is retarded!" 


	8. Chapter 8

That night at dinner, while Harry was pondering recent events that happened to them, where as Napoleon was exploading with excitement.

"Gosh, this is more than anyone could ask for! Sloppy Joes and friggin tots!" he exclaimed.

"Well, it seems you have more sloppy joe gunk on your shirt rather than in your mouth, so I dont see how you got a good taste of it," Harry retorted.

All of a sudden, Quirell ran into the room screaming about a troll in the dungeon and passed out.

"How can anyone trust that guy? He wears a purple scarf on his head for flips sake! Maybe people would think I was cool if I put a scarf on my head" said Napoleon.

"Hermione is in the girls bathroom she doesnt know!" said Harry. Napoleon had more on his mind as he was trying to wrap his white napkin around his head to serve as a turban. Harry pulled him away from the table causing Napoleon not only to mess up his massive turban making skills, but also slip and fall on the floor where more than half of his sloopy joe was residing. They ran down to where the girls bathroom was and unfortunately noticed the troll was entering the girls bathroom where Hermione was.

"Harry, that looks like my mom when Kip stays too long on WOW (The Wizard Online Web)." Napoleon said. Harry pulled Napoleon into the bathroom following Hermione's crys for help.

"We need to help her!" Harry said. Harry ran up to where the troll was and climbed onto its back, getting his wand stuck in the trolls nose causing boogers to fly out everywhere. "Napoleon its up to he" he said.

Napoleon's face was once again in a stupid position, but then his face looked as if he had an idea. "I know I have seen that goo before! Snape dumped it on me! Quick does anyone have any feathers?" Napoleon yelled. He flicked his wand and yelled "Feathers fly from the sky oh so high like a kite on a string fall on him!" All of a sudden about one hundred fat birds fell from the ceiling and hit the troll in the head, which knocked him out. Harry and Hermione were alright, besides for the fact they were covered head to toe in feathers.

"Maybe you are not so stupid." began Harry. "Maybe you just pay so much attention to nonsense facts like boogies and you inadvertently saved the day! I dont believe it!"

All Napoleon managed to say was, "I know, its pretty sweet" then coughed a bit and straigtened his glasses. "Its probably one of the best things I have ever done." Just then, the teachers entered and Hermione confessed that she went looking for the troll loosing Gryffindor five points.

"But not many first years can take on a fully grown mountain troll and survive, so five points to each of you for dumb luck," McGonagall said.

"Yessssssssssssssssss"

"Mr. Dynamite, more retorts like that will surely loose you points, now, off to bed." she said.

The next day was the first Quidditch match of the season, Gryffindor vs. Syltherin.

"Come on, mate have some tots!" Napoleon said.

"Who said you could talk?" asked Harry. Snape walked over, and Harry noticed the blood on his robes telling the other two about what he had seen. Just then an owl swooped down with a rather large package addressed to Harry. It was the best racing broom to date, a Nimbus 2000!

"Wow, the only mail I ever get is old cheese balls and gimp for boondoggle keychains. But look at this, handle, bristles, lucky!" Napoleon said.

The match was going well in favor of Gryffindor when all of a sudden, Harry's broom was out of control, Hermione noticed that Snape was jinxing the broom and went to fix the problem, sure enough, all was well because she set his robes on fire.

"That was sweeeeeeet!" Napoleon said. "The only flames I can make come from my head!" Because of Hermione's help, Gryffindor won the match after Harry caught the snitch 


End file.
